I put up with a lot of shit in high school. Most of my “friends” were okay… I did have some great girl friends, including the ones I rarely fought with, as well as the ones I fought with every other day. Most of my happy high school experiences were shared with them.
However… I knew a lot of fucking assholes in high school. Most (not all) of the guys that I was friends with were complete dicks. Was it just my high school that included those asshole fucks who felt like they had the right to slap a girl’s ass, grab our tits, and then act like WE were the drama queen when they got slapped across the face (all during lunch hour, mind you)? Right now I have a small but important amount of people in my life who I truly care about and feel as if they care about me equally. One of them in particular has had the luxury of growing up with a plethora of great friends who he/she would die for and vice versa. When I talk to him/her about my experiences in high school with my “friends” he/she thinks it just sounds so.. alien (this person may or may not have grown up in the United States, so maybe its an Americuh thing). What the hell was wrong with me to deal with my “friends” who would say such horrifying, disgusting things to me and all girls alike? I know I was depressed, but was I really this masochistic? Now, I’m not completely blaming these asshole fucks for making me a miserable human being… it was mostly my fault. I was so lost during these years (whether people knew it or not) that I had no idea how to respect myself or surround myself with intelligent human beings.. in turn, I don’t think I was a very pleasant person. Some people thought I was a stuck-up bitch growing up. But I wasn’t… I was just really unhappy. I’m not claiming to be perfect at all, there are a few instances growing up that I still regret to this day because it involved me treating someone pretty much like shit… and even though I’m sure they don’t think twice about it or maybe even remember it, I still flinch a bit if it crosses my mind. Who knows, maybe this was all just bad karma on my part.
I can count on one full hand the people in my life who I can count on to be there for me no matter what and I am incredibly grateful for them. The only part of this post that still effects my life is that I’ve lost touch with some of the people who I really did consider my real friends, because I tend to avoid/feel uncomfortable around the old high school scene. Took me a while to stop dodging reality (i.e. school, life, etc.) with drugs and day-to-day bullshit, but for the first time in probably the past 20 years, I can safely say that I consider myself… happy. I have an increasingly amazing relationship with my dad who I’ve become so much closer with after my mom passed away, I am lucky to have possibly the most attentive and kind boyfriend on this planet, and I have enough close friends to never feel alone. I still hate to say this outloud for the fear of jinxing it, but I am really optimistic about my future and potential in the field I want to work in. I definitely still have my bad days… I probably always will… but for now, I’m very content. :) That is all!